One time I told my spiritual director I was afraid I had despaired since in a dark moment I had wanted to die. He looked at me, smiled and said "you didn't want to die, you just wanted the pain to stop."
If your heart is aching with that dark desire remember that suicide is not the solution. There are other ways to make the pain stop or to make it bearable. Therapy, medicine, a good long talk with a friend, prayer, etc. You have so much to do, so many people to love! There is hope! You will see the goodness of the Lord in this life!